LOVE STORY OF A PHD STUDENT !!

"I was in 12th, She was in 12th"

"I got BSc, She got BCA"

" I was doing MSc, She got Married"

" I was preparing for JRF, She's mother of 1 Chid"

"I am an intern to the Phd, She is mother of 2 children"

" I finally did Phd, her daughter is in 1st std"

" I became doctorate, Her daughter passed 10th"

" I have joined job, Her daughter has finished her college"

The Greatest Irony.....
Today is my engagement and her daughter is my fiancee...

I will never do Phd again!

Juz for laugh!!

3 Easy Ways to Die :

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.


1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.


2.. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY


3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE.


4.. Love your friends not their sisters.. Love your sisters not their friends.


5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.


Moral : BE SPECIFIC


6. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.


7.. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.


Answer : On their MARRIAGE..


8. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY to GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if you are still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.


9. Why Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.

Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.

Quotable Marriage Experiences !!

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rajini style proposal !!!

A Desi chap was deeply in love with this pretty girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person.

So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.


HE WROTE :


Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation, I have a strong indication to become your relation.

As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication, that I have passed my matriculation examination (no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation).

What do you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation. On your approbation of the application,

I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion; To remain victim of your fascination.



SHE ANSWERED :

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.

You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and,

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain, unaffected by your affection.

COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

The difference between COMPLETE & FINISH!!!

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH....

But there is!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the "right one" catches you with the "wrong one", You are COMPLETELY FINISHED

Wife vs GirlFriend!!!

* A Wife is like a TV *

* A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE *

At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE .

When you have no money, you sell the TV and when you have got money you change your MOBILE .

Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your MOBILE .

TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated!

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old!

But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable .

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding .

TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't .

MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen), but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

Baby Monkey - Juz for laugh!!!

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

PS: This is just for laughing..... not to hurt someone.

Hiring made Easy!!!

A corporation advertised all kinds of positions to fill for their new office in a big city, the candidates were selected based on their resume and tested for their aptitude for the positions

The corporation put around one hundred baseball balls in some particular order in a closed room with the room window open Then they send a group of two to three candidates of particular discipline into the room and locked it from outside They left them alone and came back after six hours, to analyzed the situation:

[1] If they were counting and recounting the number of balls - They were hired for the ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT

[2] If they had messed up the whole place with the balls - They were hired for the ENGINEERING

[3] If they were arranging the balls in some other order - They were hired for the PLANNING

[4] If they were throwing the balls at each other - They were hired for the OPERATIONS

[5] If they were sleeping - They were hired for the SECURITY

[6] If they had squashed the balls into pieces - They were hired for the INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY

[7] If they were staring out of the window - They were hired for the EXPORT

[8] If they were sitting idle - They were hired for the HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT

[9] If they had thrown the balls out of the window - They were hired for the MATERIALS DEPT

[10] If they were clinging onto the balls - They were hired for the TREASURY

[11] If they said they had tried different combinations, yet not a ball had moved - They were hired for the SALES

[12] If they had already left for the day - They were hired for the MARKETING and finally

[13] If they were talking to each other and not a ball had moved - They were hired for the TOP MANAGEMENT

God's creation!! isn't it??

God created the donkey and said to him.

"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."

The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"

God granted his wish.

*******

God created the dog and said to him:

"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.

You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.

You will be a dog. "

The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years."

God granted his wish.

*******

God created the monkey and said to him:

"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.

You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "

The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."

God granted his wish.

*******

Finally God created man ... and said to him:

"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.

You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.

You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."

*******

Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."

God granted man's wish

*******

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man ,

marries and spends 30 years like a donkey,

working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,

he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,

he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,

going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life. Is'nt it ??????????

Flash News (CWG - 2010)

* There will be only one sport this year in CWG 2010... swimming.... since Delhi is flooded

* Terrorists set to skip CWG 2010 citing unlivable conditions and fear for their safety.

* With Pak - Eng series more or less dusted the bookies will start betting on which roof will fall next at the CWG

* The chairman of the indian commonwealth games tried to hang himself but the ceiling collapsed

* At the 100 mts race at CWG they might fix a board near start line - GO SLOW, MEN AT WORK!

* Common wealth games has been renamed to Corruption Wale Games.

* Questions to win a crore rupee in KBC

Q13: How many contractors are required to change a light bulb in Delhi CWG stadium?
A: 1 Million. (1 to change bulb and rest 999,999 to hold the ceiling)

Q14 : Find the person hidden in this sentence - 'Sir U Made Lakhs'.
A : Rearrange the letters and the answer is 'Suresh Kalmadi'.

BUSINESS! INDIAN WAY !!!

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Someone gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday. I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 5,000/- and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money. The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed

Lateral Thinking kids!!!

Printing Mistake in question Paper:

"Prove that 2/10 = 0.2" is wrongly printed as "Prove that 2/10=2".

Students: Evvalavo panittom, itha panna mattoma?

2-two

10-ten

=>2/10

=Two/ten

cancel t

=wo/en

by albhabetic order,w-23

o-15

e-5

n-14

w+0=23+15=38

e+n=5+14=19

so,38/19=2

Hence proved

PERFORMANCE & not POSITION matters!!!

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice.

I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED'

"It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts."

Email Heights!!!

HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.

Really Smart!!!

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath.' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.And they say Kashmir belongs to them".

Pay Attention!!!

1st year students of MBBS were attending their 1st anatomy class.
They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog.
The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor.
The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY, e.g. He inserted his finger in dog's mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth.
Then he said them to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes.
But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog's mouth & then tasted it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION; I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.


Moral:Life is tough but it’s a lot tougher when you are not paying attention!!!

Bug the life out of irritating callers

Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:

1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!

7 If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.... ........."

8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9 Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10 Tell the ICICI call centre guy to call on your office number - and give him the HSBC call centre number.

English a funny language !!

Oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:-

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies


the Mother of all......


11) Happily Married

Cannibal Programmers :-)

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So here after please don't eat a person who is working."

The Art of Appraisal !!!

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*