Monday, December 24, 2007

Wedding Query..... (SQL Style)

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage

BrideGroom Male (25),
Bride Female(20) AS

BEGIN

SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 10 AND HouseStatus = 'ThreeStoreyed'AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MBA) AND HavingBrothers = Null AND Sisters = Null

SELECT Gold, Cash, Car, BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal

UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold

INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')

END

GO

Then the Bride writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;

Commit;

Bihari Essay "Indian Cow" (PLS GO THROUGH THIS!!)

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body here upon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate somehow passed the exam, and is now is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]

Coolest doubt in Mahabharat

In some remote village of India , one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat
Katha to class 6 students. He is at the krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is
going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki
behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is
born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have
a doubt(sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata
Then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill
him,


WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................

Late to Exam!!!

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two-hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"GOOD!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

It worked. The professor really didn't know who he was!

Beware of GYMS!!!!

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM and sees an advertisement for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and outsteps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'myours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."

Mental Hospital

A bunch of people were being given a tour of a mental hospital.

One of the visitors had made some very insulting remarks about the patients.

After the tour the visitors were introduced to various members of staff in the canteen.

The rude visitor chatted to one of the security staff, Bill, a kindly and wise ex-policeman.

"Are they all raving loonies in here then?" said the rude man.

"Only the ones who fail the test," said Bill.

"What's the test?" said the man.

"Well, we show them a bath full of water, a bucket, a jug and an egg-cup, and we ask them what's the quickest way to empty the bath," said Bill.

"Oh I see, simple - the normal ones know it's the bucket, right?"

"No actually," said Bill, "The normal ones say pull out the plug. Should I check when there's a bed free for you?"

Friday, December 14, 2007

Quote for the Day

If Someone feels that they had never made a mistake in their life, then it means they had never tried a new thing in their life.

- Einstein

Newton Vs rajinikanth

Once, Newton came to India & watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk & apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajinikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.

Here are a few scenes:

1) Rajinikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can’t be cured & his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajinikanth is shot in the head.To everybody's surprise bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it & he is cured!
Long Live Rajinikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajinikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. He has a gun but unfortunately only 1 bullet & a knife. Guess, what he does?

He throws the knife at the middle gangster & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajinikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajini has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does?

He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajinikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver & catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment & fires his gun.
Bang... The gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken & decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time & thought that at least 1 movie would follow his theory of physics.

The whole movie goes fine & Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast! The 'climax' finally arrives.

Rajinikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajinikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajinikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.

Rajinikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air & when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun & shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The 1st gun fires off & the villain is dead.

Newton commits suicide...

An impossible wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Friday, December 7, 2007

Quote for the Day

Living in a favorable and unfavorable situation is a "Part of Living". But smiling in all those situation is an "Art of Living".-

- Unknown

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're ares-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

Stages of an employee - who are you????

Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long
lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no
real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out
of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk
to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life
is great!

Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss
asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to
friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a
$25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on
occasion. Life is pretty good.

Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take
the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless
projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all
company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers.
Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise
and small promotion. Life is good.

Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats
lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of
work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will
not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company
perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is
consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives
all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends
entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally
immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front
of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is
stressful.

Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the
success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the
salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day.
Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to
give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off.
Life is hell.

Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to
continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always
works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the
day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life
starts to break down. Life is stressful.

Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords.
Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as
resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client.
Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets,
unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life
is OK.

Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings.
Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf
with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone
anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public
transportation. Life is good.

Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to
come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market
penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If
it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't
we have market penetration in Liberia?" Magically, it happens and
executive is called a visionary. Life is great!

Beware of ladies!!!!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely.This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.


The woman takes the bottle,immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies,"No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Santa jokes

Santa & THE INTERVIEWER

Interviewer: What is your birth date?

Santa : 13th October

Interviewer: Which year?

Santa: ... EVERY YEAR



Santa & HIS MANAGER

Manager asked to Santa at an interview... .

Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?

Santa replied: P-O-S-T-B-O- X



Santa & LONDON TRIP

After returning back from a foreign trip, Santa asked his wife, Do I

look

like a foreigner?

Wife : No! Why?

Santa : In London, a lady asked me, "Are you a foreigner?".. that's why...



Santa & TOURIST

One tourist from U.S.A.asked to Santa whether any great man born in this

village or not .. and Santa said .. "No sir, only babies were born

here."



Santa & HIS EXPERIMENT

Santa was experimenting with a cockroach.

First he cut off one of it's leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked.

Then he cutoff it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked.

Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.

At last he cut off it's fourth leg and ordered it walk!

But cockroach didn't walk.

Suddenly Santa said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."

Santa become a saint!



Santa & DRIVER

When Santa was traveling with his wife in a motorized tricycle, the driver

adjusted mirror. Santa shouted, "Are you trying to see my wife? Come sit

back here and I will drive.



Santa GOES TO HOTEL

Santa went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he

started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he

doing. Santa pointed towards the board "WASHBASIN"



Santa & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART

Interviewer : Just imagine your in 20th floor in a building, it caught fire and how will you escape?

Santa : It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination .