Monday, December 24, 2007

Wedding Query..... (SQL Style)

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage

BrideGroom Male (25),
Bride Female(20) AS

BEGIN

SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 10 AND HouseStatus = 'ThreeStoreyed'AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MBA) AND HavingBrothers = Null AND Sisters = Null

SELECT Gold, Cash, Car, BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal

UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold

INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')

END

GO

Then the Bride writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;

Commit;

Bihari Essay "Indian Cow" (PLS GO THROUGH THIS!!)

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body here upon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate somehow passed the exam, and is now is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]

Coolest doubt in Mahabharat

In some remote village of India , one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat
Katha to class 6 students. He is at the krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is
going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki
behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is
born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have
a doubt(sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata
Then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill
him,


WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................

Late to Exam!!!

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two-hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"GOOD!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

It worked. The professor really didn't know who he was!

Beware of GYMS!!!!

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM and sees an advertisement for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and outsteps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'myours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."

Mental Hospital

A bunch of people were being given a tour of a mental hospital.

One of the visitors had made some very insulting remarks about the patients.

After the tour the visitors were introduced to various members of staff in the canteen.

The rude visitor chatted to one of the security staff, Bill, a kindly and wise ex-policeman.

"Are they all raving loonies in here then?" said the rude man.

"Only the ones who fail the test," said Bill.

"What's the test?" said the man.

"Well, we show them a bath full of water, a bucket, a jug and an egg-cup, and we ask them what's the quickest way to empty the bath," said Bill.

"Oh I see, simple - the normal ones know it's the bucket, right?"

"No actually," said Bill, "The normal ones say pull out the plug. Should I check when there's a bed free for you?"

Friday, December 14, 2007

Quote for the Day

If Someone feels that they had never made a mistake in their life, then it means they had never tried a new thing in their life.

- Einstein

Newton Vs rajinikanth

Once, Newton came to India & watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk & apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajinikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.

Here are a few scenes:

1) Rajinikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can’t be cured & his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajinikanth is shot in the head.To everybody's surprise bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it & he is cured!
Long Live Rajinikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajinikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. He has a gun but unfortunately only 1 bullet & a knife. Guess, what he does?

He throws the knife at the middle gangster & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajinikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajini has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does?

He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajinikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver & catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment & fires his gun.
Bang... The gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken & decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time & thought that at least 1 movie would follow his theory of physics.

The whole movie goes fine & Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast! The 'climax' finally arrives.

Rajinikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajinikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajinikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.

Rajinikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air & when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun & shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The 1st gun fires off & the villain is dead.

Newton commits suicide...

An impossible wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Friday, December 7, 2007

Quote for the Day

Living in a favorable and unfavorable situation is a "Part of Living". But smiling in all those situation is an "Art of Living".-

- Unknown

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're ares-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

Stages of an employee - who are you????

Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long
lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no
real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out
of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk
to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life
is great!

Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss
asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to
friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a
$25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on
occasion. Life is pretty good.

Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take
the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless
projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all
company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers.
Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise
and small promotion. Life is good.

Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats
lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of
work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will
not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company
perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is
consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives
all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends
entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally
immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front
of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is
stressful.

Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the
success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the
salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day.
Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to
give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off.
Life is hell.

Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to
continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always
works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the
day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life
starts to break down. Life is stressful.

Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords.
Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as
resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client.
Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets,
unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life
is OK.

Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings.
Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf
with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone
anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public
transportation. Life is good.

Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to
come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market
penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If
it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't
we have market penetration in Liberia?" Magically, it happens and
executive is called a visionary. Life is great!

Beware of ladies!!!!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely.This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.


The woman takes the bottle,immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies,"No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Santa jokes

Santa & THE INTERVIEWER

Interviewer: What is your birth date?

Santa : 13th October

Interviewer: Which year?

Santa: ... EVERY YEAR



Santa & HIS MANAGER

Manager asked to Santa at an interview... .

Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?

Santa replied: P-O-S-T-B-O- X



Santa & LONDON TRIP

After returning back from a foreign trip, Santa asked his wife, Do I

look

like a foreigner?

Wife : No! Why?

Santa : In London, a lady asked me, "Are you a foreigner?".. that's why...



Santa & TOURIST

One tourist from U.S.A.asked to Santa whether any great man born in this

village or not .. and Santa said .. "No sir, only babies were born

here."



Santa & HIS EXPERIMENT

Santa was experimenting with a cockroach.

First he cut off one of it's leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked.

Then he cutoff it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked.

Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.

At last he cut off it's fourth leg and ordered it walk!

But cockroach didn't walk.

Suddenly Santa said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."

Santa become a saint!



Santa & DRIVER

When Santa was traveling with his wife in a motorized tricycle, the driver

adjusted mirror. Santa shouted, "Are you trying to see my wife? Come sit

back here and I will drive.



Santa GOES TO HOTEL

Santa went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he

started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he

doing. Santa pointed towards the board "WASHBASIN"



Santa & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART

Interviewer : Just imagine your in 20th floor in a building, it caught fire and how will you escape?

Santa : It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination .

Friday, November 23, 2007

Profile of a Software Engineer in Orkut


About me:I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone!! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")

Relationship status: what?

Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.

Age : 10111

Here for: web browsing in company hours.

Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)

Ethnicity : Programmer.

Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view : The guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor : weekly.

Fashion: Ask my company HR . Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.

Drinking : The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.

Living:Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http://naukri.com/, http://jobsahead.com/ ?- Isnt it Ultimate???

Passion: Searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.

Tv shows : can't afford one.

Cuisines: Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of Home.

Teamwork? Humanity? Equality among all?????

It was a sports stadium.

Eight Children were standing on the track to participate in the running event.

* Ready! * Steady! * Bang!!!

With the sound of Toy pistol , all eight Children started running .

Hardly have they covered ten to fifteen steps, one of the smaller among them slipped and fell down, due to bruises and pain she started crying.

When other seven Children heard this sound, stopped running, stood for a while and turned back , they all ran back to the place where the girl fell down.

One among them bent, picked and kissed the girl gently and enquired 'Now pain must have reduced' . All seven Children lifted the fallen girl , pacified her, two of them held the girl firmly and they all seven joined hands together and walked together and reached the winning post.

Officials were shocked. Clapping of thousands of spectators filled the stadium. Many eyes were filled with tears and perhaps it had reached the GOD even!

YES. This happened in Hyderabad [INDIA], recently!

The sport was conducted by National Institute of Mental Health.

All these special Children had come to participate in this event and they are spastic children.

Yes, they were mentally retarded Challenged .

What did they teach this world?

Teamwork? Humanity? Equality among all?????

Successful people help others who are slow in learning so that they are not felt far behind.

We can't do this ever because we have brains!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Quote for the Day

Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.

- Dr. George Washington Carver

Quote for the Day

3 Sentences for getting Success

a) Know More than Others

b) WorkMore than Others

c) Expect Less than Others

- William Shakespeare

Hearing Aid

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from 100 bucks to 10,000."

"Let's see the cheaspest model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck.

"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For 100 bucks it doesn't work,"the salesman replied.

"But when people see it on you, they'lltalk louder.

The Name Game

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him,and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same, " replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Friday, November 9, 2007

Quote for the Day

In a Day, when you don't come across any problems - You can be sure that you are travelling in a wrong .

- Swami Vivekananda

Friday, November 2, 2007

Quote for the Day

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

-Leslie Nielsen.

Have you met God????

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her a Twinkie. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted ! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever. When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." But before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Moral: "A Smile and a Hug can make wonders in anyones Life."

No God???? or No Brain????

A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?"

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak.

The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"Absolute silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,

"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

Friday, October 26, 2007

Weakness or Strength?

Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.

Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"

"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied.

Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

"No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament.

He was the champion.

On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grap your left arm."

The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.

SOFTWARE GREETINGS

May your software be bug free in the coming days

May you get on-site opportunities as soon as possible

May your PL or PM stop assigning you work on Friday evenings

May your pay be the best among the industry

May you not learn many more languages in the near future

May you get flood of mails and forwards from everybody

and lastly,

May you see a world beyond coding, de-bugging and delivering

Have a nice day !!!

HOMEWORK!!!!!

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."


His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.


Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Sardarji's MOM - Not an Exception

Sardarji's Mom's Letter

Dear Banta

Vahe Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'mwriting this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in thenewspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed heretook the house numbers with them for their new house so they would nothave to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able tobring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remainsame too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated rightabove the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts,pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. Thefirst time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a littletoo heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut themoff and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting thegrass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is reallybadmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in thisclub. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is agirl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull himout, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and heburned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill hisfather's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after hedied. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave forhis father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time Irealized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Sardar "The Exceptional"

Santa Singh went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Santa Singh in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Santa Singh, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character,managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had beenwaiting.

Santa Singh said, "Puttar, we Surds celebrate when things are good andcelebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a shorttime to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints,the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by someof Santa Singh's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Santa Singh told them that the Surds celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Santa Singh their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Santa Singh's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying fromAIDS!"

Santa Singh said, " I am dying from cancer, puttar. I just don't want anyof them around your mother after I'm gone."

Sardarji with a BRAIN !!!!!!

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly:

"Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave."

The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it."

And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.

Sardar smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

Friday, October 19, 2007

UMPC - Ultra Mobile PC !!!

>No matter where you are

>No matter how you are travelling

>No matter what you are doing

>You would always be connected, informed, entertained and productive, anytime, anywhere in the world.

juz dont forget to play the videos in the homepage of UMPC.... Excellent!!!!

Microsoft AutoRoute !!!

> Travel with complete confidence

> know what to expect along the way

>Around tow, or across country ,planning the perfect trip is a breeze.

>Always know where exactly you are and where your next turn is.

>compare OnlineMaps and AutoRoute2007

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I Have WORK !!!!

Project Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunchgoes to the cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen.He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.So he decides to have fun with him.He calls him.

Then The Discussion Goes Like This

Project Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?Canteen boy smiles...

Project Manager - what are your future plans?Canteen boy keeps quiet...

Project Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Project Manager – In The Beginning When I came Here (BNGLR)…

I Don't Have Anything…....

And Now…

I Have Everything….Like…Money…Fame…

And What Do U Have ???

Canteen boy – " Sir…..I Have Work "

Project Manager leaves the cafeteria silently....... :-)

No "One can Change destiny !!!!"

During a momentous battle, a Japanese general decided to attack even though his army was greatly outnumbered. He was confident they would win, but his men were filled with doubt.

On the way to the battle, they stopped at a religious shrine. After praying with the men, the general took out a coin and said, "I shall now toss this coin. If it is heads, we shall win. If it is tails we shall lose."

"Destiny will now reveal itself."

He threw the coin into the air and all watched intently as it landed. It was heads. The soldiers were so overjoyed and filled with confidence that they vigorously attacked the enemy and were victorious.

After the battle. a lieutenant remarked to the general, "No one can change destiny."

"Quite right," the general replied as he showed the lieutenant the coin, which had heads on both sides.

Blind Ambition !!!

Charlie Boswell has always been one of my heroes. He has inspired me and thousands of others to rise above circumstances and live our true passion. Charlie was blinded during World War II while rescuing his friend from a tank that was under fire. He was a great athlete before his accident and in a testimony to his talent and determination he decided to try a brand new sport, a sport he never imagined playing, even with his eyesight . . . golf!

Through determination and a deep love for the game he became the National Blind Golf Champion! He won that honor 13 times. One of his heroes was the great golfer Ben Hogan, so it truly was an honor for Charlie to win the Ben Hogan Award in 1958.

Upon meeting Ben Hogan, Charlie was awestruck and stated that he had one wish and it was to have one round of golf with the great Ben Hogan.

Mr. Hogan agreed that playing a round together would be an honor for him as well, as he had heard about all of Charlie's accomplishments and truly admired his skills.

"Would you like to play for money, Mr. Hogan?" blurted out Charlie.

"I can't play you for money, it wouldn't be fair!" said Mr. Hogan.

"Aw, come on, Mr. Hogan...$1,000 per hole!"

"I can't, what would people think of me, taking advantage of you and your circumstance," replied the sighted golfer.

"Chicken, Mr. Hogan?"

"Okay," blurted a frustrated Hogan, "but I am going to play my best!"

"I wouldn't expect anything else," said the confident Boswell.

"You're on Mr. Boswell, you name the time and the place!"

A very self-assured Boswell responded "10 o'clock . . . tonight!"

CHOICE IS YOURS !!!!

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' "I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry.

"She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breathe and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them. 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Friday, October 12, 2007

How To Enjoy Work !!!

Maintain Good Relationships with others

# Don't harshly criticize others, even if they deserve it
# Don't take criticism too personally
# Avoid Gossip
# Avoid Arguments with loud and obnoxious people Take Pride in Your Work

Don't Take Your Work Home

Be Detached from the Stress of Your Company

Avoid Gossip

Take your lunch Break away from Work

Don't Feel Guilty for Problems that are not of your Own Making

Spend 10% of Your Time doing something productive for Yourself

This is Why I didnt take up GRE!!

A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

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NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star

GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

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NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.

GRE STUDENT : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

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NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers

GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

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NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales

GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

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NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck

GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.

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NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss

GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

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NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together

GRE STUDENT : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

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NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep

GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

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NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness

GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

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NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk

GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

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NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks

GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

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NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap

GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.

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NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best

GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

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NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

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NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!

GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

Small Story BIG Thought!!!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next…This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass ...."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

What it feels like !!!!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen: "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

HR Love Proposal !!!!

To,

Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.

Later, based on your performance,I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

Romeo

Manager HR

Monday, October 8, 2007

A SWEET KISS FULL LETTER

A letter has been sent from a husband :

Dear Sweetheart ,

I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.

Your Loving Husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.

5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don’t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.

Your Sweet Heart.

The Height of Cost Cutting!!!!


Corporate Life vs College Life !!!


Friday, October 5, 2007

NEWTON IN ROMANTIC MOOD..............

Universal Law O f L ove:

" Love Can Neither Be Created Nor Be Destroyed; Only It Can Transfer From One Girlfriend To Another Girlfriend With Some Loss Of Money "

First Law Of Love:

" A Boy In Love With A Girl, Continue To Be In Love With Her And A Girl In Love With A Boy, Continue To Be In Love With Him, Until Or Unless Any External Agent(Brother Or Father Of The Gal) Comes Into Play And Break The Legs Of The Boy. "

Second Law O f Love:

" The Rate Of Change Of Intensity Of Love Of A Girl Towards A Boy Is Directly Proportional To The Instantaneous Bank Balance Of The Boy And The Direction Of This Love Is Same To As Increment Or Decrement Of The Bank Balance. "

Third Law Of Love:

" The Force Applied While Proposing A Girl By A Boy Is Equal And Opposite To The Force Applied By The Girl While Slapping."

Before and After MARRIAGE

***********Before Marriage **************

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.*

She: Do you want me to leave?*

He: NO! Don't even think about it.*

She: Do you love me?*

He: Of course! Over and over!*

She: Have you ever cheated on me?*

He: NO! Why are you even asking?*

She: Will you kiss me?*

He: Every chance I get!*

She: Will you hit me?*

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!*

She: Can I trust you?*

He: Yes.*

She: Darling!*

*After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top !! *

Lord Ram & Hanuman on Rama Sethu project!!!

This is full of fun... so i could not highlight few points alone!!!!

The Lord surveyed the Ram Setu and said "Hanuman, you and your vanara sena had built this bridge several centuries back with great diligence and devotion. It is remarkable that it has withstood the ravages of the climatic and geographical changes over centuries. It is indeed an amazing feat especially considering the fact that a bridge at Hyderabad built by Gammon using latest technology collapsed the other day even before they could stick the posters on its pillars."


Hanuman with all humility spoke "Jai Sri Ram, it is all because of your grace. We just scribbled your name on the bricks and threw them in the sea and they held. No steel from TISCO or cement from Ambuja or ACC was ever used. But Lord, why rake up the old issue now?"


Ram spoke "Well, Hanuman some people down there want to demolish the bridge and construct a canal. The contract involves lot of money and lot of money will be made. They will make money on demolition and make more money on construction."


Hanuman bowed down and said "Why don't we go down and present our case?"


Ram said "Times have changed since we were down there. They will ask us to submit age proof and we don't have either a birth certificate or school leaving certificate. We traveled mainly on foot and some times on horseback and so we don't have a driving license either. As far as the address proof is concerned, the fact that I was born at Ayodhya is in itself under litigation for over half a century...If I go in a traditional attire with bow and arrow, the ordinary folks may recognize me but Arjun Singh may take me to be some tribal and, at the most, offer a seat at IIT under the reserved category. Also, a God cannot walk in dressed in a three-piece suit and announce his arrival. It would make even the devotees suspicious. So it is a dilemma to say the least."


"I can vouch for you by saying that I personally built the bridge."


"My dear, Anjani putra, it will not work. They will ask you to produce the lay-out plan, the project details, including financial outlay and how the project cost was met and the completion certificate. Nothing is accepted without documentary evidence in India. You may cough but unless a doctor certifies it, you have no cough. A pensioner may present himself personally but the authorities do not take it as proof. He has to produce a life-certificate to prove that he is alive. It is that complicated."


"Lord, I can't understand these historians. Over the years you have given darshan once every hundred years to saints like Surdas, Tulsidas, Saint Thyagaraja, Jayadeva, Bhadrachala Ramdas and even Sant Tukaram and still they disbelieve your existence and say Ramayana is a myth. The only option, I see, is to re-enact Ramayana on earth and set the government records straight once for all."


Lord smiled "It isn't that easy today. Ravan is apprehensive that he may look like a saint in front of Karunanidhi. I also spoke to his mama Mareecha, who appeared as a golden deer to tempt Sita maiyya when I was in the forest and he said that he won't take a chance of stepping on earth as long as Salman Khan is around!!!"

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Why India is Still a developing Country????

The Ant & Grasshopper story explains this...And its true....

Older Version

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.Come winter ,the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Comes winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath '.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '.

CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley .
100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ...
As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, India is still a developing country!!!

Using the Opportunity to its Best

Musharaf, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are travelling in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.

Musharaf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.


Sonia is thinking:

These Pakistani are all crazy after Aishwarya. Musharaf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.


Aishwarya is thinking:
Musharaf must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.


Musharaf is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya.She might have thought it was me and slapped me.


Manmohan is thinking:
if this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Musharaf again ...

How to identify a Software engineer

1. He/She never bargains… No wonder things have become so costly!

2. When a cab/bus passes by and you see all the commuters in it are sleeping like they haven’t slept for years…

3. Dilbert or Calvin is their favorite cartoon…

4. Words like issues, tracker, raising requests, buzz/ping, compile, delete [unlike erase or rub it off], onsite [n not abroad is what ‘foreign land’ is called] are the ones that would be used by ‘default’…

5. Weekends are holy words… they are like a salvation one seeks for…

6. “Wazzzup”, “Hows life?”, are few obvious questions one will be greeted with which would be immediately followed by “how’s work?”

7. Salaries, work etc are always better or in good shape in other companies than the one he/she is currently in…

8. They don’t send or take things… they always forward them!

9. Drinking coffee is the most pleasurable thing they think they do in the entire day…

10. They seek a search engine in just almost everything they do… When I forget where I have kept my things at home the first thing that comes to my mind is “I wish there was a Google search for my room”

11. Mondays are always blue…

12. All of them will have a dream to do something in life and that something would never be what they are doing right now…

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

GEORGE BUSH and the Clever Kid

BUSH IN PRIMARY SCHOOL

GEORGE BUSH GOES TO A PRIMARY SCHOOL TO TALK ABOUT THE WAR.

AFTER HIS TALK HE OFFERS QUESTION TIME.

ONE LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND AND GEORGE ASKS HIM WHAT IS YOUR NAME IS?

"BOB".

AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, BOB?

I HAVE 3 QUESTIONS.

FIRST,WHY DID THE USA INVADE IRAQ WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF THE UN?

SECOND,WHY ARE YOU PRESIDENT WHEN AL GORE GOT MORE VOTES?

AND

THIRD,WHAT HAPPEND TO OSAMA BIN LADEN?

JUST THEN THE BELL RINGS FOR RECESS.

GEORGE BUSH INFORMS THE KIDDIES THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE AFTER RECESS.

WHEN THEY RESUME GEORGE SAY,OK WHERE WERE WE?

OH THAT,S RIGHT....... ...QUESTION TIME.

WHO HAS A QUESTION?

A DIFFERENT LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND.

GEORGE POINTS HIM OUT AND ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS?

"STEVE"

AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION STEVE?

I HAVE 5 QUESTIONS.

FIRST,WHY DID THE USA INVADE IRAQ WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF UN?

SECOND,WHY ARE YOU PRESIDENT WHEN AL GORE GOT MORE VOTES?

THIRD,WHAT HAPPENED TO OSAMA BIN LADEN?

FOURTH,WHY DID THE RECESS BELL GO 20 MINUTES EARLY?

AND

FIFTH, WHERE IS "BOB"

Nothing to Lose!!!!

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room.

One candidate is Vella Reddy an Indian (Hyderabadi ) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Reddy turns to the other candidate and says 'ellaa vunnavu babu'The other candidate answers 'baguunanu babu '

Moral : You gain many , when you have the attitude of 'Nothing to lose'.

Investigation on a Plane Crash !!!!

Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"

Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"

Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"

Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"

Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Be Specific-Office Memo

OFFICE MEMO:

May all members of staff please note that there willOnly be one drink per person at this year's Annual Party. And please bring your own cup !

Regards,

Management

And what happened at the annual party !!! (Scroll down)
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20-20 World Cup Final - Post match conversation...

In the post-match presentation, Ravi Shastri to Dhoni "Congratulations to you and the whole Indian team for winning this world cup. You guys have produced a great nail biting show... and deserve the cup. We welcome you to share the joy with us."

Dhoni "Thanks Ravi, the match was pretty close encounter between two great teams and our guys held the nerve to win the game and cup."

Shastri, "Who was the main reason for this thrilling victory?"

Dhoni, "All of us played well but I would say the main reason and man behind this great victory is Ajit Agarkar"

Shocked Shastri..., "Agarkar? How come Agarkar... he didn't play in the final"...

Dhoni, "Yeaph... That’s the reason we won this low scoring match.. if he could have bowled in final, Pakistan would have scored the winning runs from his 4 overs...."

Shastri, "ok... fine, to whom you want to thank for winning this final..."

Dhoni, "The team doctor deserves the credit... he really helped us to prepare for the final..."

Shastri, "Is it??.... How the doctor helped to prepare for the final...He is not the coach or physical trainer...Dhoni... I am getting confusion"

Dhoni, "Ravi... nothing to confuse... he has failed Sehwag in the fitness test according to our game plan and we managed to pick a good playing team. Thus we weigh the doctor's contribution as very high...Infact its better than our team effort in the field... Our game tactic worked well"

Shastri, "To whom you want to dedicate this World Cup?"

Dhoni, "The entire team including myself wants to dedicate this cup to Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly..."

Shastri, "I really really appreciate you... its good that you have so much respect to the seniors....and you ...."

Dhoni interrupts....

"Ravi... let me complete... India would have exited in the Group matches if Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly decided to play in the series... thank god they opted out and we managed to play cricket and won the cup.."

Shastri, "The match was thrilling encounter and was concluded by a single mistake of Misbah.. Isn't it? "

Dhoni, "Yes you are right, after lofting the ball Bisbah told me that he has send the ball to where there was no one....but he didn't know that There is a Malayali in every corner of the world.... This single mistake has cost the game and we won the cup..."

Shastri faints and Dhoni receives the CUP and thats the end of the great Twenty-20 world cup...

Think out of the box

Think out of the box if you have foot-in-the-mouth disease :)

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half akilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets ofbutter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask hismanager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standingright behind him,

So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost gotyourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressedwith the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and Ilike it a lot.

Which place are you from?"

John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.

John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

QUOTES TO MAKE OUR DAY

- People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble holding their friends.

- A man isn't really poor if he can still laugh.

- The man who thinks he knows it all has merely stopped thinking.

- If the world laughs at you, laugh right back- it's as funny as you are.

- Ability without ambition is like a car without a motor.

- Ability will enable a man to get to the top, but it takes character to keep him there.

- You can't make a place for yourself under the sun if you keep sitting in the shade of the family tree.

- Adversity is the only diet that will reduce a fat head.

- We learn somethings from prosperity, but we learn many more from adversity.

- Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity.

- Age is what makes furniture worth more and people worth less.

- Which do you suppose ages faster - whiskey or the man who drinks it ?

- Sixty-five is the age when one acquires sufficient experience to loose his job.

- Some girls get married for financial security, others get divorced for the same reason.

- The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you'll have.

- It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument.

- Discussion is an exchange of knowledge, argument is an exchange of ignorance.

- People who know the least always argue the most.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Few tips while using Ajax

While using Ajax in your application , dont assign

xmlHttpObject.onreadystatechange=null.

Because some browsers does not allow it.They neither show a warning nor an error. Especially IE does not support this case.

Instead replace that with
xmlHttpObject.onreadystatechange = function(){};

Similarly while using "POST" method in ajax, you need to specify some header
informations like Content-type,Content-length and Connection.

for example,

var postdata="your data that is to be submitted"
var url="http://www.test.com/servlet/testservlet";
xmlHttpObject.open("POST",url,true);
xmlHttpObject.onreadystatechange = function(){};
xmlHttpObject.setRequestHeader("Content-type", "application/x-www-form-urlencoded");
xmlHttpObject.setRequestHeader("Content-length", postdata.length);
xmlHttpObject.setRequestHeader("Connection", "close");
xmlHttpObject.send(postdata);

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

VACANCY FOR AN ELECTRICIAN IN INDIA!

Immediate requirement, No previous experience necessary.

All gear supplied, no overtime restrictions, pliers and screwdriver available at depot.

Salary: Your Wish (But only after completing the work)

Working hours: Till the job is done

Essential requirement - Fault Finding skills!

IMPORTANT: To get an idea of your first assignment see the below images!
















Sardarjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Sardar at a bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh married"

***********************************************

Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??how much is DRIVING salary...?

***********************************************

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light atnight when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!

***********************************************

2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

***********************************************

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

***********************************************

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

***********************************************

A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......

***********************************************

A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in theexam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with fatherin the essay and it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUEFATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.

***********************************************

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....

***********************************************
Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.......

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Life Is A Do-It-Yourself Project

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family.

He would miss the paycheck, but he wanted to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.

The carpenter said yes, but his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.

When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you."

What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well.

So it is with us. If we build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we have built.

If we had realized that we would have done it differently.

Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely.

It is the only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more, that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity.

The plaque on the wall says, "Life is a do-it-yourself project."

Moral:Your attitudes and the choices you make today will be your life tomorrow, build it wisely.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Windows error codes

Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet:

o WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
o WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
o WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
o WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
o WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
o WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
o WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
o WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
o WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
o WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
o WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
o WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
o WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
o WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
o WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
o WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
o WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
o WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
o WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
o WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
o WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
o WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
o WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
o WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
o WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
o WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
o WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
o WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
o WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
o WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
o WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
o WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
o WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
o WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
o WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available