Learn & Torn

LOVE STORY OF A PHD STUDENT !!

2012-01-20T17:52:00.002+05:30

"I was in 12th, She was in 12th"

"I got BSc, She got BCA"

" I was doing MSc, She got Married"

" I was preparing for JRF, She's mother of 1 Chid"

"I am an intern to the Phd, She is mother of 2 children"

" I finally did Phd, her daughter is in 1st std"

" I became doctorate, Her daughter passed 10th"

" I have joined job, Her daughter has finished her college"

The Greatest Irony.....
Today is my engagement and her daughter is my fiancee...

I will never do Phd again!

Juz for laugh!!

2012-01-20T17:50:00.000+05:30

3 Easy Ways to Die :

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.

1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2.. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE.

4.. Love your friends not their sisters.. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

7.. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.

Answer : On their MARRIAGE..

8. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY to GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if you are still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

9. Why Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.

Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.

Quotable Marriage Experiences !!

2011-07-18T17:05:00.000+05:30

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rajini style proposal !!!

2011-07-18T17:02:00.000+05:30

A Desi chap was deeply in love with this pretty girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person.

So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.

HE WROTE :

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation, I have a strong indication to become your relation.

As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication, that I have passed my matriculation examination (no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation).

What do you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation. On your approbation of the application,

I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion; To remain victim of your fascination.

SHE ANSWERED :

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.

You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and,

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain, unaffected by your affection.

TRAGEDIES OF A BOY'S LIFE :)

2011-07-18T16:59:00.000+05:30

1) Good girls are not good looking.

2) Good looking girls are not gud girls.

3) Good looking good girls are not single.

4) Good looking, good girls and single girls have strong brother.

5) Good looking, good girls, single, without brother Will treat Him as a BROTHER !!!

Beautiful words!!!

2011-03-18T10:21:00.000+05:30

1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble; it is a "steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life.

2] Do you know why a car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on.

3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4] All things in life are temporary. If going is well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going is wrong don’t worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old friends are like Gold! New friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of Gold!

6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision."

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES; it takes away today’s PEACE.

Man O Man !!!

2011-03-18T10:17:00.002+05:30

When without money, eats wild vegetables at home
When has money, eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.

When without money, rides bicycle.
When has money, rides exercise machine.

When without money, walks to earn food
When has money, walks to lose the fat

Man O Man ! never fails to deceive thyself !

When without money, wishes to get married;
When has money, wishes to get divorced.

When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When has money, secretary becomes wife.

When without money, acts like rich man;
When has money, acts like poor man.

Man O Man ! Never means what he says and never says what he means!

COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

2011-03-18T10:15:00.000+05:30

The difference between COMPLETE & FINISH!!!

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH....

But there is!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the "right one" catches you with the "wrong one", You are COMPLETELY FINISHED

Wife vs GirlFriend!!!

2011-03-18T10:14:00.000+05:30

* A Wife is like a TV *

* A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE *

At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE .

When you have no money, you sell the TV and when you have got money you change your MOBILE .

Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your MOBILE .

TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated!

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old!

But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable .

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding .

TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't .

MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen), but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

From Missile Man Of India!!!

2011-01-07T15:37:00.001+05:30

From the mail box of President of India :-

As desired by the President of India, this paper is for circulation.Thanks President's Office.The President of India DR A P J Abdul Kalaam's Speech in Hyderabad

"I have three visions for India. In 3000 Years of our history, people from all over the world have come and invaded us, captured our lands, conquered our minds.

From Alexander on wards. The Greeks, the Turks, the Moguls, the Portuguese, the British, the French, the Dutch, all of them came and looted us, took over what was ours. Yet we have not done this to any other nation.

We have not conquered anyone. We have not grabbed their land, their culture, and their history and tried to enforce our way of life on them. Why? Because we respect the freedom of others.

That is why my first vision is that of FREEDOM. I believe that India got its first vision of this in 1857, when we started the war of independence.

It is this freedom that we must protect and nurture and build on. If we are not free, no one will respect us.My second vision for India is DEVELOPMENT. For fifty years we have been a developing nation. It is time we see ourselves as a developed nation.We are among top 5 nations of the world in terms of GDP. We have 10 percent growth rate in most areas. Our poverty levels are falling. Our achievements are being globally recognized today.

Yet we lack the self-confidence to see ourselves as a developed nation, self- reliant and self-assured. Isn't this incorrect?

I have a third vision. India must stand up to the world. Because I believe that, unless India stands up to the world, no one will respect us. Only STRENGTH respects strength. We must be strong not only as a military power but also as an economic power. Both must go hand-in-hand. My good fortune was to have worked with three great minds. Dr. Vikram Sarabhai of the Dept of space, Professor Satish Dhawan, who succeeded him and Dr Brahm Prakash, father of nuclear material. I was lucky to have worked with all three of them closely and consider this the great opportunity of my life.I see four milestones in my career: Twenty years I spent in ISRO. I was given the opportunity to be the project director for India's first satellite launch vehicle, SLV3. The one that launched Rohini. These years played a very important role in my life of Scientist.

After my ISRO years, I joined DRDO and got a chance to be the part of India's guided missile program. It was my second bliss when Agni met its mission requirements in 1994. The Dept of Atomic Energy and DRDO had this tremendous partnership in the recent nuclear tests, on May 11 and 13.

This was the third bliss.The joy of participating with my team in these nuclear tests and proving to the world that India can make it, that we are no longer a developing nation but one of them. It made me feel very proud as an Indian. The fact that we have now developed for Agni a re-entry structure, for which we have developed this new material. A very light material called carbon-carbon.

One day an orthopedic surgeon from Nizam Institute of Medical Sciences visited my laboratory. He lifted the material and found it so light that he took me to his hospital and showed me his patients. There were these little girls and boys with heavy metallic calipers weighing over three Kg. each, dragging their feet around.

He said to me: Please remove the pain of my patients. In three weeks, we made these Floor reaction Orthosis 300-gram calipers and took them to the orthopedic center. The children didn't believe their eyes. From dragging around a three kg. load on their legs, they could now move around. Their parents had tears in their eyes. That was my fourth bliss!

Why is the media here so negative?

Why are we in India so embarrassed to recognize our own strengths, our achievements?

We are such a great nation. We have so many amazing success stories but we refuse to acknowledge them. Why?

We are the first in milk production.

We are number one in Remote sensing satellites.

We are the second largest producer of wheat.

We are the second largest producer of rice.

Look at Dr Sudarshan, he has transferred the tribal village into a self-sustaining, self-driving unit.

There are millions of such achievements but our media is only obsessed in the bad news and failures and disasters.

I was in Tel Aviv once and I was reading the Israeli newspaper. It was the day after a lot of attacks and bombardments and deaths had taken place. The Hamas had struck. But the front page of the newspaper had the picture of a Jewish gentleman who in five years had transformed his desert into an orchid and a granary.

It was this inspiring picture that everyone woke up to. The gory details of killings, bombardments, deaths, were inside in the newspaper, buried among other news.

In India we only read about death, sickness, terrorism, crime.Why are we so NEGATIVE?

Another question: Why are we, as a nation so obsessed with foreign things?We want foreign TVs, we want foreign shirts. We want foreign technology.Why this obsession with everything imported. Do we not realize that self-respect comes with self-reliance?

I was in Hyderabad giving this lecture, when a 14 year old girl asked me for my autograph. I asked her what her goal in life is. She replied: I want to live in a developed India.

For her, you and I will have to build this developed India You must proclaim. India is not an under-developed nation; it is a highly developed nation.

Do you have 10 minutes?

Allow me to come back with a vengeance.

Got 10 minutes for your country?

If yes, then read; otherwise, choice is yours.

YOU say that our government is inefficient.

YOU say that our laws are too old.

YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage.

YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke, The airline is the worst in the world, mails never reach their destination.

YOU say that our country has been fed to the dogs and is the absolute pits.YOU say, say and say. What do YOU do about it?

Take a person on his way to Singapore. Give him a name-YOURS. Give him a face - YOURS. YOU walk out of the airport and you are at your International best. In Singapore you don't throw cigarette butts on the roads or eat in the stores.

YOU are as proud of their Underground links as they are. You pay $5 (approx Rs 60) to drive through Orchard Road (equivalent of Mahim Causeway or Pedder Road) between 5 PM and 8 PM.

YOU come back to the parking lot to punch your parking ticket if you have over stayed in a restaurant or a shopping mall irrespective of your status identity.

In Singapore you don't say anything, DO YOU?

YOU wouldn't dare to eat in public during Ramadan, in Dubai.

YOU would not dare to go out without your head covered in Jeddah.

YOU would not dare to buy an employee of the telephone exchange in London at 10 pounds (Rs 650) a month to, "see to it that my STD and ISD calls are billed to someone else."

YOU would not dare to speed beyond 55 mph (88 km/h) in Washington and then tell the traffic cop, "Jaanta hai main kaun hoon (Do you know who I am?). I am so and so's son. Take your two bucks and get lost."

YOU wouldn't chuck an empty coconut shell anywhere other than the garbage pail on the beaches in Australia and New Zealand.

Why don't YOU spit Paan on the streets of Tokyo?

Why don't YOU use examination jockeys or buy fake certificates in Boston???

We are still talking of the same YOU.

YOU who can respect and conform to a foreign system in other countries but cannot in your own. You who will throw papers and cigarettes on the road the moment you touch Indian ground. If you can be an involved and appreciative citizen in an alien country, why cannot you be the same here in India?

Once in an interview, the famous Ex-municipal commissioner of Bombay, Mr Tinaikar, had a point to make. "Rich people's dogs are walked on the streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place," he said. "And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements. What do they expect the officers to do? Go down with a broom every time their dog feels the pressure in his bowels? In America every dog owner has to clean up after his pet has done the job. Same in Japan. Will the Indian citizen do that here?" He's right.

We go to the polls to choose a government and after that forfeit all responsibility. We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative.

We expect the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage all over the place nor are we going to stop to pick a up a stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin. We expect the railways to provide clean bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms.

We want Indian Airlines and Air India to provide the best of food and toiletries but we are not going to stop pilfering at the least opportunity. This applies even to the staff who is known not to pass on the service to the public.

When it comes to burning social issues like those related to women, dowry, girl child! and others, we make loud drawing room protestations and continue to do the reverse at home.

Our excuse? "It's the whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forgo my sons' rights to a dowry." So who's going to change the system? What does a system consist of? Very conveniently for us it consists of our neighbours, other households, other cities, other communities and the government.

But definitely not me and YOU. When it comes to us actually making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far away and wait for a Mr Clean to come along & work miracles for us with a majestic sweep of his hand or we leave the country and run away.

Like lazy cowards hounded by our fears we run to America to bask in their glory and praise their system. When New York becomes insecure we run to England. When England experiences unemployment, we take the next flight out to the Gulf. When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought home by the Indian government. Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country. Nobody thinks of feeding the system. Our conscience is mortgaged to money.

Dear Indians, The article is highly thought inductive, calls for great deal of introspection and pricks one's conscience too.... I am echoing J F Kennedy's words to his fellow Americans to relate to Indians????

"ASK WHAT WE CAN DO FOR INDIA AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO MAKE INDIA WHAT AMERICA AND OTHER WESTERN COUNTRIES ARE TODAY"

Lets do what India needs from us.Forward this mail to each Indian for a change instead of sending Jokes or junk mails.

Thank you,Dr Abdul Kalaam

(PRESIDENT OF INDIA)

டேய் மச்சான்!!!

2010-12-21T13:38:00.001+05:30

ஹைக்கூ கவிதை!!!

2010-12-09T11:41:00.003+05:30

அன்று நான் என் காதலியின் பெயரை பச்சை குத்திய தடயத்தை தடவி பார்த்து, இன்று என் மகள் கேட்கிறாள் "என் மீது அவ்வளவு பாசமா அப்பா" என்று...

தயவுசெய்து பெண்களை மலருடன் ஒப்பீடாதீர்....ஏன் என்றாள் மலர் வாடுமே தவிர யாரையும் வாட வைப்பதில்லை!!

அவள் என்னை விரும்பவில்லை என்று தெரிந்ததும் என் மனதை கல்லாக்கிக்கொண்டேன்.... ஆனால் அதிலும் சிற்பமாய் அவள்!!

என்னை பிடிக்கவில்லை என்ற வார்த்தைகூட அழகாகத்தான் இருந்தது...அவள் உதடுகள் உச்சரிக்கும்போது!!

நீ விடும் பட்டம்கூட உயரத்த்ில் பறக்க மறுக்கிறது....யாருக்குத்தான் மனசு வரும் உன்னை விட்டு விலகி செல்ல!!

ஜோதிடத்தில் நம்பிக்கை இல்லை...ஆனாலும் பார்த்தேன்...அந்த கிளியின் ஐந்து நிமிட விடுதலைக்காக!!

மேகமூட்டம் போல் அவள் நினைவுகள்.... எப்போது வேண்டுமானாலும் மழை வரலாம்...என் கண்ணில்!!

வெப்காம் பார்த்து அழுகை நிறுத்தும் குழந்தை....சிரித்தபடியே அழும் ஆன்சைட் அப்பா!!

Dinner Party - Smart Husband!!!

2010-11-24T15:56:00.001+05:30

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.

It was well past 10 when he remembered. “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”

He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!!”

Baby Monkey - Juz for laugh!!!

2010-11-24T15:51:00.002+05:30

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

PS: This is just for laughing..... not to hurt someone.

Lateral Thinking!!!

2010-11-24T15:49:00.000+05:30

A priest in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Hiring made Easy!!!

2010-11-08T17:31:00.001+05:30

A corporation advertised all kinds of positions to fill for their new office in a big city, the candidates were selected based on their resume and tested for their aptitude for the positions

The corporation put around one hundred baseball balls in some particular order in a closed room with the room window open Then they send a group of two to three candidates of particular discipline into the room and locked it from outside They left them alone and came back after six hours, to analyzed the situation:

[1] If they were counting and recounting the number of balls - They were hired for the ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT

[2] If they had messed up the whole place with the balls - They were hired for the ENGINEERING

[3] If they were arranging the balls in some other order - They were hired for the PLANNING

[4] If they were throwing the balls at each other - They were hired for the OPERATIONS

[5] If they were sleeping - They were hired for the SECURITY

[6] If they had squashed the balls into pieces - They were hired for the INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY

[7] If they were staring out of the window - They were hired for the EXPORT

[8] If they were sitting idle - They were hired for the HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT

[9] If they had thrown the balls out of the window - They were hired for the MATERIALS DEPT

[10] If they were clinging onto the balls - They were hired for the TREASURY

[11] If they said they had tried different combinations, yet not a ball had moved - They were hired for the SALES

[12] If they had already left for the day - They were hired for the MARKETING and finally

[13] If they were talking to each other and not a ball had moved - They were hired for the TOP MANAGEMENT

God's creation!! isn't it??

2010-11-08T17:28:00.001+05:30

God created the donkey and said to him.

"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."

The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"

God granted his wish.

*******

God created the dog and said to him:

"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.

You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.

You will be a dog. "

The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years."

God granted his wish.

*******

God created the monkey and said to him:

"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.

You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "

The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."

God granted his wish.

*******

Finally God created man ... and said to him:

"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.

You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.

You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."

*******

Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."

God granted man's wish

*******

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man ,

marries and spends 30 years like a donkey,

working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,

he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,

he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,

going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life. Is'nt it ??????????

Equal and Opposite!!!

2010-11-08T17:19:00.001+05:30

NEWTON'S THIRD LAW STATES: "Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction... "

Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb! There always exist two sides of the same coin!

All good things come to those who wait
BUT
Time and tide wait for none.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.
BUT

The best things in life are free

Slow and steady wins the race
BUT
Time waits for none.

Do it well, or not at all.

BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT

Opposites attract.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes.
BUT

It isn't over till it's over.

Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

FACE DIFFICULTIES POSITIVELY

2010-10-22T11:48:00.002+05:30

This parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer’s well. The farmer heard the mule praying. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. He called his neighbors together, told them what had happened, and requested them to help in burying the old mule in the well.

Initially the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back, a thought struck the mule. Every time a shovel load of dirt landed on the mule’s back, it WOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP!

Blow after blow, the mule shook the dirt off and stepped up! No matter how painful the blows, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought panic and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

It wasn’t long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the wall of that well! What seemed like it would bury him actually helped… all because of the manner in which it handled the adversity.

Morale :
THAT’S LIFE! We need to face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity

Flash News (CWG - 2010)

2010-09-27T12:56:00.000+05:30

* There will be only one sport this year in CWG 2010... swimming.... since Delhi is flooded

* Terrorists set to skip CWG 2010 citing unlivable conditions and fear for their safety.

* With Pak - Eng series more or less dusted the bookies will start betting on which roof will fall next at the CWG

* The chairman of the indian commonwealth games tried to hang himself but the ceiling collapsed

* At the 100 mts race at CWG they might fix a board near start line - GO SLOW, MEN AT WORK!

* Common wealth games has been renamed to Corruption Wale Games.

* Questions to win a crore rupee in KBC

Q13: How many contractors are required to change a light bulb in Delhi CWG stadium?
A: 1 Million. (1 to change bulb and rest 999,999 to hold the ceiling)

Q14 : Find the person hidden in this sentence - 'Sir U Made Lakhs'.
A : Rearrange the letters and the answer is 'Suresh Kalmadi'.

BUSINESS! INDIAN WAY !!!

2010-09-23T12:55:00.001+05:30

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Someone gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday. I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 5,000/- and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money. The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed

HRD Notice of a company to employees!!!

2010-09-23T12:40:00.001+05:30

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

3) LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,

HRD

Lateral Thinking kids!!!

2010-09-23T12:38:00.001+05:30

Printing Mistake in question Paper:

"Prove that 2/10 = 0.2" is wrongly printed as "Prove that 2/10=2".

Students: Evvalavo panittom, itha panna mattoma?

2-two

10-ten

=>2/10

=Two/ten

cancel t

=wo/en

by albhabetic order,w-23

o-15

e-5

n-14

w+0=23+15=38

e+n=5+14=19

so,38/19=2

Hence proved

PERFORMANCE & not POSITION matters!!!

2010-09-23T12:35:00.001+05:30

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice.

I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED'

"It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts."

I Want To Go Back To The Time...

2010-07-23T15:03:00.001+05:30

When INNOCENCE Was NATURAL,Not FAKE.

When GETTING HIGH Meant On A SWING,Not PROMOTIONS.

When DRINKING Meant RASNA ORANGE,Not BEERS/ WHISKEYS Or COFFEE/TEA.

When DAD Was The Only HERO,Not DEPP Or TOM.

When LOVE Was MOM’S HUG,Not The GIRL FRIENDS’ / BOY FRIENDS’.

When DAD’S SHOULDER Was The HIGHEST PLACE On The Earth,Not DESIGNATION.

When Your WORST ENEMIES Were Your SIBLINGS,Not MANAGER.

When The Only Thing That Could HURT Were BLEEDING KNEES,Not The TEARS Falling Down Your Cheeks.

When The Only Things BROKEN Were TOYS,Not The DYING HEARTS.

And When GOOD-BYES Meant TILL TOMORROW,Not For YEARS & YEARS.

Email Heights!!!

2010-07-23T15:00:00.001+05:30

HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.

Really Smart!!!

2010-06-09T16:17:00.001+05:30

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath.' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.And they say Kashmir belongs to them".

Pay Attention!!!

2010-06-09T16:14:00.002+05:30

1st year students of MBBS were attending their 1st anatomy class.
They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog.
The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor.
The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY, e.g. He inserted his finger in dog's mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth.
Then he said them to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes.
But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog's mouth & then tasted it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION; I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Moral:Life is tough but it’s a lot tougher when you are not paying attention!!!

Bug the life out of irritating callers

2010-04-21T16:01:00.000+05:30

Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:

1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!

7 If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.... ........."

8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9 Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10 Tell the ICICI call centre guy to call on your office number - and give him the HSBC call centre number.

English a funny language !!

2010-04-21T15:57:00.001+05:30

Oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:-

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

the Mother of all......

11) Happily Married

Cannibal Programmers :-)

2010-04-21T15:39:00.001+05:30

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So here after please don't eat a person who is working."

Wrong goals come in many formats!!!

2010-04-21T15:37:00.000+05:30

They could be:

* Things you're trying to achieve because other people want you to
* Doing something just to impress others
* Focusing on something you don't care if you achieve or not
* Mirroring others just because you think it's the right path to take

The Art of Appraisal !!!

2010-04-21T15:33:00.002+05:30

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Arrested for laughing!

2009-12-30T16:58:00.000+05:30

This is from an actual trial in the UK :

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...... She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!

Sardar...juz for joke....

2009-12-30T16:56:00.000+05:30

1
Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Y didn't U Xchange?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower Berth..

2
A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.After seeing the Form, he went to New Delhi to Fill up the form. U knows y?
FORM said " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

3
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

4
19 SARDARS WENT 4A FILM.ON ASKING THEM Y THEY CAME IN A BIG GROUP OF 19?
THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...

5
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "U will go to jail".

6
Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why He does this.
Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."

7
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth................. WHY?
Because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"_-=

8
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!

9
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U knw Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

10
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"S already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

11
Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not Santa

12
ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS HIM, DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?
HE SAID YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER

13
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come
first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first will come first.

14
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did U come so far. Instead U could have posted it..

15
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

16
Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder to you'....
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.

17
WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT EMERGENCY?
** THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.

18
Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why... Sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10

19
A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR

20
Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die lik my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screamin like
All d passengers in d car he was driving..

21
Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

22
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why R U writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

23
Sardar news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab .
Local sardars have so far found 500 Bodies and are still digging for more..

24
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 China 2 find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON OXYGEN TUBE!"

25
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-im seeing how I look while sleeping.

BONUS !

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan Singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.
Sardarji replied "Oh Brother, Manmohan is PM not AM".

Funny Killer English

2009-12-10T12:11:00.002+05:30

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "

************ ********* ***
Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

************ ********* ***

once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."

************ ********* ***

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

************ ********* ***

don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

************ ********* ***

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

************ ********* ***

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

************ ********* ***

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

************ ********* ***

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

************ ********* ***

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

************ ********* ***

"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"

************ ********* ***

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

************ ********* ***

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

************ ********* ***

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

************ ********* ***

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

************ ********* ***

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

************ ********* ***

Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Sardar ji strikes again!!!

2009-12-10T12:02:00.003+05:30

No offense please.....

Sardar declares:
.... . . I will never marry in my life &. . .
.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . .. .

A donkey kicked a Sardar & ran away
Sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

Sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml now it's 2 ltr.

Santa went to Mysore palace.
Tourist guide - Santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - Oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..

Sardar wanted to make a STD call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call..

One tourist from U.S.A.asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!

Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: J for se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.

2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1st Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1st Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.

Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You R nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent my wife with him.

Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal....." Finally he wrote the conclusion.......
..... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......

A scene from Kohn Benega Crorepati....
Amitabh : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : Liquid state.....
Audience clapped..
Amitabh stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.......

Exclusive vijay comedies

2009-12-10T11:55:00.002+05:30

Records:

Russians: We are living in 48 deg cool temp we are great
Africans: We are living in 48 deg heat v are great
Tamilan: We are living even after seeing 48 vijay films. Goyala yarkitta......

Bus comedy:

Doctor - Ennappa eppadi adi pattuch
patient - Bus-la porappa 'vijay' padam pottanga,
Theatre-nu ninachu velia vanthutten
Doctor- ??????

Chess comedy:

Ajit - chess vilaiyaada povom varingala?
vijay - neega pou ground la wait pannunga naan shoe pottutu varean -- vijay rocks

National anthem:

Viajy to prabhudeva: Indha patu superah Iruke idha Namba Padathula Remake panalama
Prabu Deva: Dei nasama ponavane Adhu Desiya Geetham da

Diff between kamal and vijay

Kamal acts in 10 diff role in one film(original).
but vijay acts in same role in 10 different dupping films.

Director comedy :

Director - Vadivelu podalama, Illa karunas podalama
Vijay - Comedy kuda nane pannuran sir
Director - Comedy neenga than panringa nan hero yara podalamnu think panran

Doctor vijay:

Dr. vijay sslc goes 2 a shop & shouts where is the free gift with this mineral water.
Seller: There is no free gift with this
Vijay: But on the lable its written bacteria free. I am doctor u can't cheat me
( Enjoy non stop doctor vijay comedies )

Driver - Sorry sir petrol mulusa dry aagidichi , inimel oru adi kuda munnadi nagarathu
Dogtor vijay - Hmm.. sari reverse edu veetukavathu pokalam

Exam hall:

Ajith & vijay writing semester exam:
vijay : Thala konjam answer kattunga
Ajit: Hindi paper da idhu unnaku tamil exam da
vijay: Parravala adha kattunga na tamila remake pannikuraen
Thala: Idhuku picha edukalaam
vijay: yevalavo panrom idhu panna maatomaa......

Exclusive vijay comedies:

1. How a police can wear boot cut and have style hair?(pokiri)
2. How to go to final match after losing semi finals?(Gilli)
3. How to become boxer in 1 day & 1 song? (Badri)
4.How to come alive even after dying?(puthya geethai)
5. And finally having a long jump record for a half a KM in kuruvi....
Still to be continued :-) enna koduma sir idhu....

TV special:

Customer. Intha TV velai enna?
Salesman: 1,00,000 sir
Cus: Appadi enna special?
Salesman: Tv la "vijay" program vanda aduve thana vera channel maridum

Suntv:

vijay : Namma suntv mela case podanum
Manager : Ethukku sir
vijay : Ennoda aduthapadam hit aagumnu sonnatha, vilayatu seithi la pottu irukanga

Wanna b such a Boss!!!

2009-11-27T15:05:00.002+05:30

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present..

The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?"

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.

"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?"

"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000",responds the clerk.

"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."

Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.

The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.But the other two call him *BOSS"!!

Am-eri-cans!!!

2009-11-27T14:58:00.002+05:30

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:

"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers.Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"

Deadly Scrabble!!!

2009-11-24T17:33:00.001+05:30

Someone who had too much time at his hands

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

The Art of Changing Easily & Gracefully!!!

2009-09-18T17:24:00.000+05:30

Accept yourself exactly as you are.
Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.
Get familiar with what you want.
Focus on changing your thinking, rather than focusing on changing your behavior.
Break your change into small, achievable steps you can take on a daily basis.
Practice, practice, practice.
Surround yourself with people who are being the way you want to be and living the life you want to live.

Passing information between parent and child window.

2009-09-18T17:17:00.002+05:30

Had a problem in fixing a javascript scenario of passing information between parent and child window.

If you are going to assign a parent windows variable from child window, that variable has the assigned value , even if the child window is closed.

But if you try to assign an object like array or something in the child window, the assigned variable or object exists in the parent window only if the child window is still open. If the child window is closed , the variable becomes null.

It seems, in this case the parent variable just has the reference to the variable in the child window and not the exact values.

In my case , i want to pass array from child to parent window and i did in the following way.


function settingParentWindowVariable(obj)
{ if(obj.length>0)
 {
  for(var i=0;i
  parentvariable[i] = obj[i];
  }
 }
}

I am not sure, whether it is the correct way of doing it.But it works in this case.

PS: There exists Tech post. Atleast to serve my bad memory.

Politically correct!!!!

2009-09-18T16:45:00.002+05:30

The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the
attack on the Pentagon:

"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case
you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything."

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman,"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3".

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

Women are extremely determined!!!

2009-08-27T15:36:00.002+05:30

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,

interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, tokill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun was loaded with false bullets" she said.

"I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"

MORAL: Women are extremely determined.. Don't mess with them!!!

No Comparison!!!

2009-08-27T15:33:00.001+05:30

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

"So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one.So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...........

He said: " Try to do it when the engine is running ".

Window parent handler!!!

2009-07-31T14:48:00.003+05:30

If there is a need to perform any operation in a parent window w.r.t the actions or events performed in the child window , but without refreshing the parent window , javascript comes in handy with its window.opener functionality.You can set/alter the values of the javascript variables in the parent window from the child window.You can also excecute the javascript functions of the parent window from the child window.Using this you can play with the entire DOM elements of the parent window.

For example,

window.opener.parent_variable1='XXX';
window.opener.parent_variable2=false;
window.opener.parent_function1();

PS :
Why did i write this?
Bcoz i will forget it in another 2 days.
And why did i write this (negligible)technical post?
Need to find the answer....
Will it be a start to write technical posts?
Should wait and see....

Driving Styles!!!

2009-07-31T14:15:00.002+05:30

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn.
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat.
- Italy

One hand on horn,one hand greeting,one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,conversation with someone in next car.

- Welcome to India!

Modern Banking explained !!!

2009-07-31T12:52:00.004+05:30

A.) Bankers take more money from People and return less.
B.) Bankers take even more money from People and return even less.
C.) Bankers take HUGE amount of money from People and return nothing .

The above steps are further explained below:

1.) There are two types of people in the world - The Bankers and The People.

2.) The Bankers are smart, The People are stupid.

3.) People earn money by getting paid for hard work or selling something they have (businesses).

4.) Bankers earn money by taking more money from people and giving them back less money, they call this 'interest'(People keep their money in the bank on 2-3% interest, People take loans from the bank on 14-16% interest).

5.) Once the Bankers have a steady stream of money from the People as given in '4', they get bored and they decide to fool the people some more.

6.) The Bankers now come up with 'financial products' so that the People will give them more money thinking that they'll make more money (high return, more interest).

7.) The Bankers now give this money to people who'll not be able to pay back the high return, more interest.

8.) The Bankers declare a "financial crisis" keeping all the focus on the people who didn't pay back the high interest (which was always unrealistic).

9.) The Bankers then take more money from the People (Bailouts) to compensate for the defaulted loans.

10.) The Bankers don't have to repay this money to the people whom it was taken from because they have been told that their 'financial products' are now bust.

Now to Grades of stupidity of people:

1st grade - these people pay their taxes and put the rest of their earnings in the bank.

2nd grade - these people pay their taxes and put the rest of their earnings in the bank, in bank schemes (FDs, etc).

3rd grade - these people pay their taxes and put the rest of their earnings in the bank, in bank schemes (FDs, etc) and then take loans from the bank.

4th grade - these people pay their taxes and put the rest of their earnings in the bank, in bank schemes (FDs, etc) and then take loans from the bank and support bailouts for banks since there is a 'financial crisis'.

5th grade - these people pay their taxes and put the rest of their earnings in the bank ,in bank schemes (FDs, etc) and then take loans from the bank and support bailouts for banks since there is a 'financial crisis', and stop spending and put even more money in the bank because there is a 'financial crisis'.

I am currently in the 1st grade of stupidity, when this "financial crisis" gets better, I'll make more money and proceed to the next grades of stupidity, I hope I can cover all the grades in one lifetime, then I can be a successful man, I've always wanted to do something with my life, and I'll work very hard to achieve 'something' in life.

Are you a cracked pot???

2009-07-27T16:35:00.002+05:30

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Moral : Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

How about this circular in your office???

2009-07-27T16:11:00.002+05:30

[ A circular was found in one of the office notice boards ]

Dear STAFF ,Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, weassume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and thereforeyou do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1employee). - They are called SUNDAYs.

3) LUNCH BREAK :
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4) SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the companybulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money topay your salary.

6) SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

7) INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deductedfrom your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, chargeswill be deducted from your salary.- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary fornext 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Are U a Garbage Truck???

2009-03-13T17:03:00.002+05:30

One day I hopped into a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the street.

Moral : Successful people don't let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so… Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

One Minute Manager !!!

2009-01-02T11:44:00.003+05:30

The One Minute Manager, by Ken Blanchard and Spencer Johnson, is a remarkable book about management. It is about a young man who is in search of an effective manager and is willing to work for one.

In his search, he meets some ‘autocratic’ managers who are only concerned about the results. Their organizations gained while their people lost. He also meets ‘democratic’ managers who are concerned only about the people. Their people gained while their organizations lost. He was looking for an effective manager who was interested in the people as well as the results so that both the people and the organization gained in his management.

Then the young man comes across a manager who calls himself “the one minute manager” as it took very little time for him to get big results from people.

The one minute manager shares the secrets of his success with the young man, which are as follows:

FIRST SECRET: One Minute Goals
One minute goal setting is about being aware of what is expected from the beginning. When deciding upon the desired goal and the performance standards, it is recorded on a single sheet of paper. One minute goal setting is so called because it should take only one minute to be able to read it.

Why One Minute Goals work
One minute goal setting is an important tool for management because it provides immediate feedback to the worker; this feedback turns into motivation. If you are playing football and you are not aware of how many points you scored, you would lose interest in the game after a certain point. On the other hand, if you know you need 5 points to win and you have scored 3 points, you will try your best to get the other 2 points.Unless you are sure of what is it that you need to do, you keep beating around the bush without producing the accurate results. Say, for example, if I ask you to clean the room, you would not know whether to sweep the room, place everything in order, arrange the books in the shelf or do all the three. On the other hand, if I ask you to sweep the room and arrange the books, you know exactly what you need to do. As a result, both you and me are satisfied with the job.One minute goals work in a similar manner, where both the employee as well as the employer knows what is expected from the beginning of a task. Writing is important so that you can periodically view your performance against your target and check your progress. Thus, one minute goals help you to perform better and produce efficient results.

SECOND SECRET: One Minute Praisings
After the one minute goal setting, the second step in one minute management is to catch people doing something right. This is when the one minute praisings are given. One minute praisings are so called because it hardly takes a minute for you to tell someone that he or she did a good job. There is no need to elaborate when you can simply say that he or she he did something good and you noticed it. One minute praisings include praising the people immediately, telling them what they did right, how you feel about it and encourage them to do more of the same.

Why One Minute Praisings work
Let's consider a very simple example. A child does not learn to walk straight away. When you teach a child to walk, you don’t expect him to start walking as soon as he stands up. He first toddles, and then he tries to stand up and falls in the first few attempts. Then he wobbles a few steps and you cuddle him and hug him, making him feel that he has done something worth praising. He then tries to do more of the same and finally learns to walk. In the same way, one minute praisings is a way of encouraging your staff.One minute praisings show that you are genuinely interested in your people and care for them and their success. One minute praisings aim at catching people ‘doing something right’ rather than catching them ‘doing something wrong’ like most other organizations. Although the two might seem to be the same thing, there is a lot of difference. If you emphasize on catching people doing something wrong, their main aim is simply to do no wrong, not necessarily go above and beyond and produce great results. This produces mediocrity because everyone will tend to walk the middle line. For exceptional results you need your people to put in their best.

THIRD SECRET: One Minute Reprimands
One minute reprimands are given as soon as an employee does something wrong. One minute reprimand has two parts. The first half includes telling the people that what they did wrong, how you feel about it and then let it sink in with a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. Then in the second half you tell the people how much you think they are capable of and how much you value them. One important aspect of one minute reprimands is that it criticizes the work not the doer. The employee is not blamed as a person, only his work is accused of not being up to the desired level. And once it's over, it's over.

Why One Minute Reprimands work
One minute reprimands are highly effective because the feedback is immediate, unlike the annual reviews where you are charged for things committed several weeks or months ago. If you were being scolded for a mistake you made 7-8 months back, it would hardly make any impact on you, whereas if you are being scolded for a mistake you made yesterday, it will surely affect you. If a mistake is pointed out as soon as it is made it can easily be corrected. Since one mistake is pointed at one time, the people hear it seriously and your message is easily conveyed to them.

PS : This is anice article from http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/12/3-key-lessons-we-can-learn-from-one.html

Software engineer and his wife :-)

2008-12-09T16:06:00.001+05:30

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Work Telephones !!!

2008-12-09T15:14:00.000+05:30

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting... on a Saturday morning... after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Men are Priceless !!!

2008-12-09T15:11:00.000+05:30

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

Why Constant Worry is Useless!!!

2008-12-09T12:35:00.002+05:30

We live in a culture where everyone seems to worry. Turn on the news – someone got shot, there’s mercury in the fish we eat, the cows have got BSE, a new super-flu is coming, terrorists are regrouping... on and on it goes.

If you take all of this stuff seriously, it’s likely that you’ll never go out, never eat, never travel, or never take any kind of risk at all. But in fact, worry makes no sense at all.

Here are some reasons why worry really is a pointless and damaging activity, though I suspect we all know this deep down.

Things never happen the way you imagine. When you worry, you are predicting the future. You are saying ‘I know that things will turn out badly.’ But this just isn’t the case. You have no idea how the future is going to turn out, except to say that it will not be what you think it will be. So why worry?

Worry means you give away your power.Some people are so entrenched in worry that they cannot see any other way to live. But worry robs you of your power to be proactive. The truth is that you are in control and you can choose how to react to situations, so why choose to give that power away so easily and so unconsciously?

Worrying is completely unproductive.Why waste your energy doing something that gets you nowhere. On a treadmill, at least you get some exercise, but worry is a truly pointless activity. Spend your time and energy on something more useful.

Worry distorts reality.We live in an age where people live longer, have better access to health care, have more opportunity for personal and professional growth, more chance to travel, greater access to information and lifelong education, and many other wonderful things. Yes, there are risks and potential dangers, but worry magnifies these disproportionately and blinds us to the wonders of our age.

Worrying is bad for your health.Worry is not a normal state of mind and it adversely affects your health, even your physical health. When you worry, physical changes are happening in your body which are very damaging. It increases stress which can increase blood pressure, cause higher levels of stomach acid, cause muscle tension and headaches, among many other things.

Worry is not natural.Do little children worry? Do animals worry? Do all adults worry? There is nothing inherent in being human that means you have to worry. Worry is a pathology, a distortion of our natural, healthy state.

Do you know the most frequent instruction given in the Bible? Surprisingly, it is not ‘love one another’ or ‘love God’ or anything like that. It is simple ‘do not be afraid.’ I don’t know how many times it appears, but I’ve seen estimates between 100 and 366 times. You don’t have to be religious to realize that this is good advice.

So how can we break out of this worry habit? Like all habits, it might not be easy to do, but there are some clear, simple and effective steps you can take to eliminate worry from your life.

Realize that you are in control.In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey tells us that the first step to a better life is the realization that we are free to choose how to react to circumstances. Worry is a choice – it’s inside our own head and, as such, it is within the sphere of our own influence.

Recognize that worry is a habit.Like all habits, there is a momentum to worry, and it might not be easy to break away from this, especially if you’ve been a worrier all your life. But it’s possible to change any habit.

Keep things in perspective.E. Joseph Crossman said, ‘If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.’ Are you still worrying about those things? Will all this stuff matter in 100 years from now?

Face your fears.Nelson DeMille said that ‘Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face.’ After you do something that scares you, you’ll probably find it wasn’t as bad as you thought. With time, all your worry will dissipate.

Stop trying to be in control of everything.You cannot control the whole world. Things happen that are truly outside our circle of influence, and so we need to relax and accept that sometimes things just happen as they will. This is part of life, and worry will not change it one little bit.

Stop taking yourself so seriously.If you fail, so what? If you screw up, is it the end of the world? Are you really so important that the world will stop turning if you get things wrong? Life is not that serious.

Worry is a dangerous and poisonous thing. You must not let it eat away at you.Finally, one of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain. ‘I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.’

PS : Nice article from http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/12/why-worry.html

If TITANIC is made in INDIA!!!

2008-09-26T15:22:00.003+05:30

There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.

There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain.

The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya".

Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip.

The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson.

None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC.

A Mathematician's Love Letter!!!

2008-09-26T15:11:00.003+05:30

De-Morgan's Law,

Binomial Avenue,
United States of Matrices.

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.

There I saw your cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.

The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.

I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set.

The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown

function.

Yours ever loving,

Pythagoras

Perspective!!!

2008-09-26T15:09:00.001+05:30

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was thetrip?'

'It was great, Dad.'

'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.

'Oh yeah,' said the son.'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father.

The son answered:

'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?

Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

'Life is too short and friends are too few.'

Perspective!!!

2008-09-26T15:03:00.002+05:30

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York, he sees a little girl being attacked by a bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"

The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man.

Oh, what are you then?

The man says: - "I am a Iraqi!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog, Connections to terrorist networks are being explored"

Medical Certificate!!!!

2008-08-21T16:43:00.000+05:30

Doctor Certified

Certified that Mr. /Miss ____________ _____ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.

Due to this, he will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.

Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.

The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the
gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/-

Dr. Impatient
Cyber Clinic

Listen and Understand!!!!

2008-08-21T16:35:00.002+05:30

A teacher teaching Maths to seven-year-old Arnav asked him,

"If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?"

Within a few seconds Arnav replied confidently, "Four!"

The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer (three). She was disappointed.

"Maybe the child did not listen properly," she thought.

She repeated, "Arnav, listen carefully. If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?"

Arnav had seen the disappointment on his teacher's face. He calculated again on his fingers. But within him he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher happy. His search for the answer was not for the correct one, but the one that will make his teacher happy. This time hesitatingly he replied, "Four..."

The disappointment stayed on the teacher's face. She remembered that Arnav liked strawberries. She thought maybe he doesn't like apples and that is making him loose focus. This time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she asked,

"If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one strawberry, then how many you will have?"

Seeing the teacher happy, young Arnav calculated on his fingers again. There was no pressure on him, but a little on the teacher. She wanted her new approach to succeed. With a hesitating smile young Arnav enquired, "Three?"

The teacher now had a victorious smile. Her approach had succeeded. She wanted to congratulate herself. But one last thing remained. Once again she asked him,

"Now if I give you one apple and one apple and one more apple how many will you have?"

Promptly Arnav answered, "Four!"

The teacher was aghast. "How Arnav, how?" she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice.

In a voice that was low and hesitating young Arnav replied, "Because I already have one apple in my bag."

Moral : "When someone gives you an answer that is different from what you expect don't think they are wrong. There maybe an angle that you have not understood at all. You will have to listen and understand, but never listen with a predetermined notion."

I am Hot!!!

2008-08-21T16:33:00.000+05:30

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to sayone thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, " Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Looooooooong Term Benifits!!!!

2008-08-20T17:39:00.000+05:30

Family Problem!!!

2008-08-20T17:34:00.000+05:30

Think like Software Engineer!!!

2008-08-19T17:52:00.001+05:30

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.

The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!".

The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".

The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, It might work...".

Good One Liner !!!

2008-08-19T17:41:00.002+05:30

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

Why dogs don't marry?
Because they are already leading a dog's life!

What's the diff between mother & wife?
One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

Think Differently!!!

2008-08-19T17:36:00.001+05:30

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.
He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help."
There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."

What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

God has a Sense of Humour!!

2008-08-19T17:32:00.001+05:30

God was in the process of creating the universe.

And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion."

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....

And here is Africa.
I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America.
I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...

So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked..."God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"

God said.......

Ahah...that is the crown piece of all.

"INDIA",My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:"But god you said everything should be in balance."

God replied -- "Look at the neighbours I gave them."

Wacky Definitions!!!

2008-05-15T15:17:00.004+05:30

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death.

Where u are in INDIA????

2008-05-15T15:10:00.001+05:30

If you ever get lost in India and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.

scenario 1 : two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who s right- you are in Kolkata.

scenario 2 : two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on– that's Mumbai.

scenario 3 : two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. the first two get together & beat him up- that's Delhi.

scenario 4 : two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. a guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall- that's Ahmadabad.

scenario 5 : two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. he writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program.- that s Bangalore.

scenario 6 : two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. a guy comes along and quietly says "anna, dont fight for all this nonsense". peace comes in- thats Chennai.

scenario 7 : two guys are fighting. both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. now 50 guys are fighting.- you are in Hyderabad.

scenario 8 : two guys are fighting.,third guys comes try to stop them and get involved and call others too to stop, finally stop them,- you r in Rajasthan.

scenario 9 : two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. someone calls police. the police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. someone throws stones at the police. the police throw stones back at the crowd. some people are arrested. damages to the shops nearby. next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in- thiruvananthapuram, the city of Kerala ...

Matrimonial ads version

2008-05-15T14:57:00.005+05:30

These are Girls profiles taken from a matrimonial website.
Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a Profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home.
I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalore ..
if u like me u welcome to my heart...
when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter..
Thanksyours Regards Sowmya
~*~(Truly yours)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework(Wut Homework?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life.I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i.Because i love myself a lot.If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am simple girl.I have lot of problem in my life because of my lucknow i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL, WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD.THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOYTHEY ARE1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.(all of us are loughing {laughing})

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is too like this he would be called the man of the lamp(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)Infact she doesn ?t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & mother sister completely married(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)( Confused ????? )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried.pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes(height of desperation! J )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.(No comments)(Plz ? for gods sake ask somebody ?s help in framing sentence )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hello i am a good charactarised woman.i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...(but credit cards not accepted..???)(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is there anything like that.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social service.(Zebra..???)(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color)

Appraisal - Employee Vs Employer !!!

2008-04-18T16:52:00.001+05:30

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary !!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi $ life, we all need $ ome thing mo$t de $perately. I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need $ of u$ worker $ who have given $o much $ upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $ incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear NOrman,
I kNO w you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You k NOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

Einstein Riddle - Try it!!!

2008-04-18T16:49:00.000+05:30

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors in a row. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.
Other facts:
1. The Brit lives in the red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the immediate left of the white house.
5. The green house's owner drinks coffee.
6. The owner who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The owner living in the center house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The owner who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The owner who keeps the horse lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill.
12. The owner who smokes Bluemasters drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The owner who smokes Blends lives next to the one who drinks water.

The question is: WHO OWNS THE FISH?

Engineering vs. Management !!!

2008-04-18T16:45:00.001+05:30

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems."

Difference!!!!!

2008-03-19T18:40:00.001+05:30

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.Your neighbour has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:You have two cows.The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:You have two cows.The government seizes both and sells youthe milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:You have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:You have two cows.You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows,but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows.You count them and learn you have 5 cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:You think you have two cows,but you don't know what a cow looks like.You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.You charge for storing them for others.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows.You worship them.

HeyMath!!!!

2008-03-19T18:37:00.002+05:30

Equation 1:Study = Dont Fail
Equation 2:Dont Study = Fail
Adding equation 1 & 2
Study + Dont Study = Dont Fail + Fail
Taking Study & Fail common,
Study ( 1 + Dont ) = Fail ( 1 + Dont )
Cancel ( 1 + Dont ) on both sides,
STUDY = FAIL !!!
Now tell me why should we waste our time???!!!!!!!!

The cricketers GOD!!!

2008-03-19T18:29:00.002+05:30

"Destined to be a great" -Barry Richards.

"He is 99.5 percent perfect. I'd pay to see him" - Viv Richards.

"Don't bowl him bad balls, he hits the good ones for fours" - Michael Kasprowicz.

"It's scary, where the hell do we bowl to him" -Allan Border.

"There is no shame being beaten by such a great player. We didn't lose to Team India. We Lost to Sachin Tendulkar" -Steve Waugh.

"If I've to bowl to Sachin, I'll bowl with my helmet on. He hits the ball so hard" - Dennis Lillee.

"I'd like to see him go out and bat one day with a stump. I tell you he'd do okay" -Greg Chappell.

"Cricketers like Sachin come once in a lifetime and I am privileged he played in my time" - Wasim Akram.

"The pressure on me is nothing as compared to Sachin Tendulkar. Sachin, like God, must never fail. The crowd always expects him to succeed and it is too much pressure on him" -Mark Waugh.

"Everybody gets 15 minutes of fame. But if there's one person I've admired over a 15-year of period, it's definitely Sachin." - Brain Lara

"I'll be going to bed having nightmares of Sachin just running down the wicket and belting me back over the head for six. He was unstoppable. I don't think anyone, apart from Don Bradman, is in the same class as Sachin Tendulkar. He is just an amazing player" -Shane Warne.

"I saw him playing on television and was struck by his technique, so I asked my wife to come look at him. Now I never saw myself play, but I feel that this player is playing much the same as I used to play, and she looked at him on Television and said yes, there is a similarity between the two... his compactness, technique, stroke production... it all seemed to gel" -Sir Donald Bradman.

"In an over I can bowl six different balls. But then Sachin looks at me with a sort of gentle arrogance down the pitch as if to say 'Can you bowl me another one?'" - Adam Hollioke

Sachin is cricket's God? Barry Richards.

You might pitch a ball on the off stump and think you have bowled a good ball and he walks across and hits it for two behind midwicket. His bat looks so heavy but he just waves it arounad like it's a toothpick? -Brett Lee

You have to decide for yourself whether you're bowling well or not. He's going to hit you for fours and sixes anyway? -Micheal Kasprowicz

Technically, you can't fault Sachin. Seam or spin, fast or slow ? nothing is a problem? -Geoffrey Boycott.

His life seems to be a stillness in a frantic world... [When he goes out to bat], it is beyond chaos - it is a frantic appeal by a nation to one man. The people see him as a God... ? Mathew Hayden, on Sachin Tendulkar.

I (Embarrassed laugh) am a normal person who plays cricket. I am nothing more than that? Sachin Tendulkar, on being told of above quote.

"The fact of the matter is that India still need Sachin in a big way. All this talk of the youngsters taking over is very foolish. The reason why Tendulkar is so important for the team is because of his ability to inspire others and make them perform under pressure" - Some day on "Times of India".

Cricket is the religion and sachin is the God Team India without Sachin is like Temple without God.

And, this is the best!!! (A True fan of Sachin carried this Banner in a match..)

"Commit all your crimes when Sachin is batting. They will go unnoticed becauseeven the Lord will be gone to watch his batting!!!."

LAPD Vs FBI Vs CIA

2008-03-05T17:59:00.000+05:30

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Letter to god !!!

2008-03-05T17:57:00.001+05:30

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, INDIA, they decided to

forward it to the President of the India as a joke.

The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy, and he did

not want to spoil the kid.

The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which

read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it

through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi , and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 as tax ... "

மென்பொருள் கவிதை!!!

2008-03-05T17:03:00.003+05:30

எழுந்துவிட்ட அதிகாலை,

எழுப்பிவிட்ட கடிகாரம்,

காத்திருக்கும் கடமை,

இன்னும் உறங்கும் நண்பன்,

சர்க்கரை அதிகமாய் என்று

கேட்டு வாங்கி குடிக்கும் வீட்டு முற்றத்தின் கடை தேநீர்,

இயந்திரம் தந்த இதமான வெந்நீர்,

விரும்பிய இசைபாடும் குருவட்டு,

சுகமாய் பயணிக்க காத்திருக்கும் வாகனம்,

இரவு சந்திப்போமா என்று ஏகத்த்ூடன் காத்திருந்த மெத்தை,

எனக்கென்றே காத்திருக்கும் புத்தம் புது நாள்,

இத்தனை இருந்தும் ஏதோ இழப்பதாய் உணர்வு,

இரவு எப்போது வரும் என்று எங்குகிறேன்,

நாளைய காலையின் விழிப்பிலாவது
தாயின்,"மணி எட்டு ஆச்சு இன்னும் தூக்கத்த பாரு" எனும் குரல் கேட்காதா

என்ற எதிர்பார்ப்போடு......

இங்கனம்,

பாசத்தைக்கூட தவணை முறையில் பெறும்,

மென்பொருள் வல்லுனன்,

(பொருளை தேடுவதில் வாழ்க்கையை தொழைத்த வல்லுனன்)

Change is Everything !!!

2008-02-28T17:27:00.004+05:30

"Read it.... Follow it....If U can... (Sorry U CAN!!!)"

No doubt you have heard the old saying, “Change happens”. This is true, change happens every minute of our lives. In fact, one of the best things about life is that no two days are ever the same. Yet for many of us, we have a difficult time dealing with change because we are observers of change, and not participants of change.

Change is often rewarding, exciting and dynamic – for those that are making it happen. How can you take control and shift your life from being merely an observer who has to deal with change happening around him to a participant who is the catalyst for change in their life and others?
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: You can make change happen by simply changing your way of thinking. Don’t believe me? Try this for one week, seven short days, and then come back and read this article again. I think you will be surprised at how you made a shift in your life, but also have helped make a shift in the lives of others around you.

For the next week I want you to put aside every obstacle that gets in your way. Don’t ignore it, but just resolve to deal with it without being frustrated or thinking that it is insurmountable. For the next seven days I want you to approach every problem, challenge and opportunity with a smile and find a creative solution for it. Some of it will be easy, for example if the boss wants to give you a raise (yes, that’s a change!), and some won’t be as easy – you have a project a co-worker dumped on you with only two days to get it done. All I’m asking is that you try.

You are going to discover something happening here. By shifting your way of thinking, you are not becoming a participant of change. Your positive attitude is going to influence not only you, but everyone around you. Your family will notice, you coworkers will notice – even the guy who sells you your morning coffee is likely to notice! You have had a paradigm shift and all it took was for you to approach every situation with a positive attitude. Now let’s take it farther than that – let’s be a participant in change in life all around us.

What is a one-year goal in your life? Don’t have one? Well get one! Think of something you would really like to change in your life within the next year – be it something about you (weight loss, smile more, work out at the gym) or something around you (get a new car, find a job in a field you love). Now here is something that most people don’t know and why so many people fail at making change happen in their life – they try to do it without a shift in the way they think and act. I’m here to tell you right now that you aren’t going to lose weight by eating at McDonald’s every day and you are certainly not going to land that dream job by sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. Everything in your life requires you to be the catalyst of making it happen.

You have to lead the revolution!

So you want to lose weight – who doesn’t? How can you be a participant in making that happen instead of someone who sits around hoping that the magic weight loss fairy comes and visits in the middle of the night? You can start by changing your way of thinking! Are you the type of person who just has to go out with the gang at lunch every day? How about if you put that energy to better use – using that lunch hour to visit the local library, work out at the company gym, or just get outside and explore the city. Believe it or not, this is how you start changing – by modifying your behavior. I guarantee you that if for one month you changed your lunch behavior you would see the weight dropping. Before you know it, CHANGE has happened!

You have the power to generate huge shifts in your life -- whether it is financial, emotional, personal or career wise. Even more, you have the power to help others change as well. When people see you making changes in your thinking or actions and shifting your life in the right direction they naturally want to be a part of that change. You could be the catalyst to creating a change revolution in your own house!

So, now it’s your turn. What are you going to do today, right now, to facilitate a shift in your life? Don’t just nod your head and leave – take some time to write down what you want to do. Change happens – are you going to be part of the revolution?

Devoted Wife!!!

2008-02-28T17:19:00.002+05:30

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were by my side.

When my business failed, you were by my side.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you were by my side.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"

MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS !!!

2008-02-28T17:15:00.001+05:30

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend?s and none of them confirm that.

Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion of the story: Men are better friends!!!!

Every problem has a solution!!!!

2008-02-25T18:33:00.004+05:30

Many years ago in a small Indian village,A farmer had the misfortune Of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.

The Moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful Daughter. So he proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his Daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the Proposal.

So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter.

He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag.

Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As They talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he Picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag.

He then asked the girl to pick A pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have Done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you Have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag And expose the money-lender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order To save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with The hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral And logical thinking.

The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with Traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Well, here is what she did ....

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without Looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path Where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I Picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had Picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his Dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into An extremely advantageous one.

Moral : Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't Attempt to think.

Mischievous Brothers!!!

2008-02-25T18:29:00.000+05:30

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,"What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Against Racism !!!!

2008-02-25T18:17:00.002+05:30

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Very disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a black man. I did not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied.
"Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.
I spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued.
"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."

The Hostess turned to the black guy, & said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up & applauded.

This is a true story against racism.

WELL DONE, British Airways!!

Things aren't always what they seem!!!

2008-02-20T16:56:00.001+05:30

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied...

"Things aren't always what they seem".

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should.

Moral : If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

How about your future???

2008-02-20T16:45:00.002+05:30

Some years ago, three brothers left the farm to work in the city. They were all hired by the same company at the same pay. Three years later, Jim was being paid $500 a month, Frank was receiving $1,000, but George was now making $1,500.

Their father decided to visit the employer. He listened to the confused father and said, "I will let the boys explain for themselves."

Jim was summoned to the supervisor's office and was told, "Jim, I understand the Far East Importers has just brought in a large transport plane loaded with Japanese import goods. Will you please go over to the airport and get a cargo inventory?"

Three minutes later, Jim returned to the office. "The cargo was one thousand bolts of Japanese silk," Jim reported. "I got the information over the telephone from a member of the crew."

When Jim left, Frank, the $1,000 a month brother, was called. "Frank," said the supervisor, "I wish you'd go out to the airport and get an inventory of the cargo plane which was just brought in by Far East Importers."

An hour later, Frank was back in the office with a list showing that the plane carried 1,000 bolts of Japanese silk, 500 transistor radios, and 1,000 hand painted bamboo trays.

George, the $1,500 a month brother, was given identical instructions. Working hours were over when he finally returned.

"The transport plane carried one thousand bolts of Japanese silk," he began. "It was on sale at sixty dollars a bolt, so I took a two-day option on the whole lot.I have wired a designer in New York offering the silk at seventy-five dollars a bolt. I expect to have the order tomorrow. I also found five hundred transistor radios, which I sold over the telephone at a profit of $2.30 each.
There were a thousand bamboo trays, but they were of poor quality, so I didn't try to do anything with them."

When George left the office, the employer smiled. "You probably noticed," he said, "that Jim doesn't do what he's told, Frank does only what he'd told, but George does without being told."

Moral : The future is full of promise for one who shows initiative.

TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA !!!

2008-02-20T16:31:00.002+05:30

1) Qus. : What are you doing?
Ans.: Business.
Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans.: Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!

3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans.: From other State/Abroad
Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!

4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans.: Profit.
Tax: PAY INCOME TAX!

5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans.: Factory.
Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY!

6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX!

9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans.: Yes, for Salary.
Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans.: Hotel
Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans.: Gift on birthday.
Tax: PAY GIFT TAX!

14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX!

15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans.: Cinema or Resort.
Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

16) Qus. : Have you purchased House?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

17) Qus. : How you Travel?
Ans.: Bus
Tax: PAY SURCHARGE!

18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY INTEREST & PENALTY

what to do ??? where to do???

2008-01-28T18:22:00.000+05:30

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?

The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster.

He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work.

He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do.

After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.

He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.

He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer .. $ 2.00
Knowing where to ......... $ 9998.00

Moral: Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.

Jokes

2008-01-28T17:31:00.001+05:30

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can takethis train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was acommotion in the gallery.The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order,order."The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'llhave a scotch and soda."

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things'.
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in thefield"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football andthe game went into extra time.

LEFT or RIGHT???

2008-01-28T17:28:00.000+05:30

Nice Mail - For IT People in India

2008-01-25T11:56:00.000+05:30

It's half past 8 in the office but the lights are still on...

PCs still running, coffee machines still buzzing...

And who's at work?

Most of them ???

Take a closer look...

All or most specimens are ??

Something male species of the human race...

Look closer... again all or most of them are bachelors...

And why are they sitting late?

Working hard?

No way!!!

Any guesses???

Let's ask one of them...

Here's what he says... "What's there 2 do after going home...Here we get to surf, AC, phone, food, coffee that is why I am working late...Importantly no bossssssss!!!!!!!!!!!"

This is the scene in most research centers and software companies and other off-shore offices.Bachelors "Time-passing" during late hours in the office just bcoz they say they've nothing else to do...

Now what r the consequences...

"Working" (for the record only) late hours soon becomes part of the institute or company culture.With bosses more than eager to provide support to those "working" late in the form of taxi vouchers, food vouchers and of course good feedback, (oh, he's a hard worker... goes home only to change..!!).

They aren't helping things too...

To hell with bosses who don't understand the difference between "sitting" late and "working" late!!!

Very soon, the boss start expecting all employees to put in extra working hours.

So, My dear Bachelors let me tell you, life changes when u get married and start having a family... office is no longer a priority, family is... and

That's when the problem starts... b'coz u start having commitments at home too.For your boss, the earlier "hardworking" guy suddenly seems to become a "early leaver" even if u leave an hour after regular time... after doing the same amount of work.

People leaving on time after doing their tasks for the day are labeled as work-shirkers...

Girls who thankfully always (its changing nowadays... though) leave on time are labeled as "not up to it".

All the while, the bachelors pat their own backs and carry on "working" not realizing that they r spoiling the work culture at their own place and never realize that they wuld have to regret at one point of time.

*So what's the moral of the story??

** Very clear, LEAVE ON TIME!!!

*Never put in extra time " *unless really needed *"

* Don't stay back un-necessarily and spoil your company work culture which will in turn cause inconvenience to you and your colleagues.

There are hundred other things to do in the evening..

Learn music...

Learn a foreign language...

Try a sport... TT, cricket.........

Importantly Get a girl friend or boy friend, take him/her around town...

* And for heaven's sake net cafe rates have dropped to an all-time low (plus, no fire-walls) and try cooking for a change.

Take a tip from the Smirnoff ad: *"Life's calling, where are you??"*

Please pass on this message to all those colleagues And please do it before leaving time, don't stay back till midnight to forward this!!!

IT'S A TYPICAL INDIAN MENTALITY THAT WORKING FOR LONG HOURS MEANS VERY HARD WORKING & 100% COMMITMENT ETC.

PEOPLE WHO REGULARLY SIT LATE IN THE OFFICE DONT KNOW TO MANAGE THEIR TIME. SIMPLE !

Wedding Query..... (SQL Style)

2007-12-24T17:27:00.000+05:30

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage

BrideGroom Male (25),
Bride Female(20) AS

BEGIN

SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 10 AND HouseStatus = 'ThreeStoreyed'AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MBA) AND HavingBrothers = Null AND Sisters = Null

SELECT Gold, Cash, Car, BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal

UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold

INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')

END

GO

Then the Bride writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;

Commit;

Bihari Essay "Indian Cow" (PLS GO THROUGH THIS!!)

2007-12-24T17:22:00.000+05:30

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body here upon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate somehow passed the exam, and is now is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]

Coolest doubt in Mahabharat

2007-12-24T17:10:00.000+05:30

In some remote village of India , one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat
Katha to class 6 students. He is at the krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is
going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki
behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is
born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have
a doubt(sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata
Then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill
him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................

Late to Exam!!!

2007-12-24T17:01:00.000+05:30

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two-hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"GOOD!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

It worked. The professor really didn't know who he was!

Beware of GYMS!!!!

2007-12-24T16:52:00.000+05:30

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM and sees an advertisement for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and outsteps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'myours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."